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Five Vampires That Would Eat Edward Cullen For Breakfast

With the release of Part 1 of the final instalment in the Twilight saga looming on the horizon, its time once again to address what a sad excuse for a vampire Edward Cullen truly is.

Granted, for the most part vampires these days are overly emotional, guilt-ridden porcelain dolls that spend their days lurking the halls of our high schools and dining on woodland creatures and blood bags.

But (thankfully) there are still many movie vampires that embody the violent and savage predatory nature of the traditional mythology.

So, how well would “Sullen Cullen”, the vegetarian vampire measure up to some of these more animalistic undead blood-drinkers? Not very well…

#5  David (Kiefer Sutherland) · Lost Boys

‘Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire.’ The slogan for “The Lost Boys” beautifully summarizes how David lives his afterlife. He is charismatic and has a lust for excitement that is almost on par with that for blood.

David is the complete opposite of Edward Cullen. Where David is bold and electrifying; Edward is brooding and miserable. David fully embraces everything it is to be a vampire, while Edward is seemingly terrified and repulsed by it.

It wouldn’t take long before David would reach his breaking point with Edward’s constant whining about what monsters they all are. Not to mention all of Cullen’s old-timey notions about marriage before sex would put a serious krimp in David’s bordello of blood atmosphere.

We get the impression that the one thing about living in Forks David never could stomach, all the damn sulky vampires!


#4  Count Orlak (Max Schreck) · Nosferatu

Count Orlak is your stereotypical vampire: Ugly as sin itself, Transylvanian, and has a serious aversion to sunlight. He creeps in the dark not only because the sun will disintegrate him, but because his gnarled visage would scare the shit out of anyone. He sleeps in a dark, dank dungeon in a coffin full of musty old dirt.

Cullen on the other hand is a pretty, mid-western boy who only gets prettier in the sun, which seems to have no affect at all on him. The guy doesn’t even get a tan. He lives in what is arguably one of the nicest homes in all of North America and has a “family” that loves him. Not to mention, even though he’s a surly bastard at school, he’s somehow one of the most popular kids there.

If we were Orlak we’d end that guy too.


#3  Selene (Kate Beckinsale) · Underworld series


At first, Selene may tolerate Edward’s sulking presence, as he is mostly harmless and she does have a soft spot for attractive men with honourable personality traits. But after a few weeks she would start to realize what an over-bearing, controlling ass he really is. No way would a 600-year old Death Dealer put up with the bossy whining of a veritable child such as the 110-year old Cullen.

Where Selene is proficient with both medieval and modern day weapons, Cullen’s big fight tactic is to read the mind of his attacker and then make some kind of snide remark. Goading the Lycans into battle by pissing them off just isn’t enough help to make Cullen useful to Selene – though his “witty” banter with good old Jacob Black has made him an expert in that field.

And if nothing else, she is a woman on a mission who has no time to spare babysitting.


#2  Blade (Wesley Snipes) · Blade series

Blade (Eric Brooks), the half human, half vampire hybrid with a personal vendetta and a mission eradicate all vampire life from the surface of the Earth would certainly not see fit to spare the life of Edward Cullen.

The all too precious Cullen family dinners and thunderstorm baseball games would not fool Blade. His primary goal is to protect human life. Despite how romantic and protective Edward appears; he is still completely selfish, manipulative and controlling. Frequently he orders Bella to do want he wants, never trusting her to make her own decisions. He has even had her kidnapped in order to ensure that she fulfils his wishes. Just because Bella is too dumb to realize there is a problem with this; Blade would not accept this behaviour.

All Edward’s big unsubstantiated talk about what a ruthless predator he is would be no match for Blade’s skill with edged weapons and hand-to-hand combat.

I also get the impression if these two were just regular guys at the local high school Blade would be kicking Edward’s ass on a fairly regular basis… just because.


#1 Queen Akasha (Aaliyah) · Queen of the Damned

The Mother of all Vampires tops our list as the bloodsucker that would have zero tolerance for Edward Cullen’s very existence.

Akasha, a pre-Egyptian queen, who becomes the first vampire after being cursed by vengeful witches, “takes pleasure in only one thing – destroying life – Human and Immortal alike”. I don’t imagine that kinda gal is going to be falling head over heals in love with a sparkly, fang-less vegetarian pretty boy!

Also, as loud rock music and tight gold pants seem to be the things that really turn Akasha on, Edward’s neutral-coloured v-necks and pea coats aren’t really going to help his case either.

The lion will NOT be falling in love with the lamb in this particular situation.


Speaking of both breakfast and vampires:

Count Chocula· Monster-themed breakfast cereal

How could we not mention Count Chocula? Sure, he seems harmless enough, shilling his over-sugared cereal to kids the world over, but even he is more badass than Cullen could ever be. His cover is perfect, he lures kids in with the promise of toys and fancy new boxes, which gives him an open line to victims.

And why would the Count want Cullen dead? Well he’s spent the last 40 years trying to convince kids that vampires are both scary and silly, neither of which are qualities that Cullen possesses.

No one would put in that kind of work and dedication to just let some fancy lad ruin it all.

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About surlygurls

We’re two SurlyGurls brought together by a love of all things awesome and an equal hate of all things which are an affront to awesomeness everywhere.

Posted on September 7, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. yeeeaahh I mean he is basically the wimpiest vampire EVER. …I also think that Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” would have eaten him for breakfast…he tried to eat Keanu Reeves for breakfast…who is still tougher than Edward Cullen, even though he’s not a vampire.

  1. Pingback: Five Vampires That Would Eat Edward Cullen For Breakfast (via SurlyGurls) « LA Sugue

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