Home Sucks! Top 10 Vacations You’ll Never Take

“Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.” – Paul Theroux

Traveling is one of the greatest things we as human beings do. We explore and wander and experience everything that our amazing planet has to offer. But, wouldn’t it be great to do all those things on a different planet altogether? Here are the planets we would most like to visit. Hurry up and get Virgin Galactic up and running Mr. Branson!

10. Fhloston Paradise (The Fifth Element)

Okay, so not technically a planet, rather the coolest cruise ship ever. You’re greated like you are in Hawaii with beautiful girls giving you fancy flower necklaces and then are whisked away to your luxurious room to freshen up. We imagine the food is outstanding and we all know that the entertainment is top notch. As long as no one shows up and starts shooting the place apart, it’s the greatest vacation we’ll never have.

9. Magrathea’s Factory Floor (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

Nothing would be more awesome than getting to design your very own planet. Not to mention just riding through the factory with Slartibartfast would be insanely inspiring. Seeing all those planets being created would be the single most amazing experience. The rest of the planet seems to be an icy hell with a whole lot of portals, but if that is the way they kept their planet factory a secret, so be it. We’ll give it points as well for the wicked planets and moons that can be seen from the surface.

8. Krypton (Superman)

Clark Kent is like the ultimate Chic Geek, which we love. A lot and we would love to see the planet that he came from – though we’re sure Martha and Johnathan Kent had more to do with that than his two-seconds on Krypton. The planet was a thriving metropolis (pun totally intended) before it was destroyed. At least Brainiac had the good sense to shrink Kandor and save it from the same fate!

7. Bellerophon (Firefly)

Wanted: A property complete with 360 degree views of the ocean, lush yard space, extreme security and sits at least 300 feet from the neighbours. Welcome to Bellerophon. Half the planet is covered with ocean; the other half is a desert. Only the very wealthy live there in complexes that float above the ocean. It’s the ultimate in privacy and has the most amazing views. You don’t even have to take the garbage out; a drone will do it for you!

6. Thra (The Dark Crystal)

We’ll admit, Thra is pretty fucked up. It’s got a bunch of different regions including swamps, deserts and forests. It’s even got the dead-zone where the Castle of the Crystal sits. The best thing about Thra is all the amazing creatures there. Whitney would’ve given her right arm for her very own pet Fizzgig and Andrea wanted nothing more than to ride a Land Strider. The planets creatures make it worth visiting, even if the Skeksis are disgusting genocidal assholes.

5. Naboo (Star Wars)

The greatest part of Naboo is the fact that if you get tired of hanging around in the capital city of Theed, you can head to the underwater cities that the Gungans inhabit. It’s got everything. Super futuristic cities, check. Lush jungle and waterfalls, check. Underwater, bubble cities, check. It’s the kind of planet that you could visit a hundred times and never see all of it. We choose to ignore the fact that it’s the planet that inflicted Jar Jar Binks upon the galaxy.

4. Risa (Star Trek)

Why would anyone give up a chance to visit the Pleasure Planet? The weather is altered to be perfect and glorious all the time and its insides are controlled with seismic regulators so that there are no earthquakes. It’s like the Caribbean if humans of today could figure out how to abolish hurricane season. And at only 90 light-years from Earth it’s just like a flight down south. Also, there is a good chance that you would run into First Officer Riker, which is enough of an incentive for most women…human or not.

3. Fantasia (The Neverending Story)

Two words: Luck Dragons. Seriously, what kid in the 80’s didn’t want a pal like Falkor to hangout with and ride around? Also, any little girl wanted nothing more than to be the Childlike Empress, living in her Ivory Tower. Once Atreyu got rid of Gmork (that wolf-like creature scared the shit out of us when we were kids), it was pretty much the coolest place ever. You know, after it was destroyed and rebuilt because Bastien couldn’t spit out a name fast enough. The one place we would leave out would be the Swamps of Sadness though, why would that ever exist? Put a fence around that shit, one with barbed wire!

2. Pandora (Avatar)

Speaking of never dull, Pandora isn’t a place for the faint of heart. There are so many things that will kill you there, including the air; it makes it the extreme sports capital of its solar system. However, it’s also ridiculously beautiful. Not to mention, we would LOVE to wake up in the morning and be able to see a planet resembling Jupiter in the sky along with the sun! Any planet with phosphorescent plants and animals, floating mountains and dragon-like creatures that we can ride, we’re there!

1. Middle Earth (Lord of the Rings)

Who wouldn’t want to live in such a diverse place? From the pastoral, rolling hills of The Shire to the glittering towers of Rivendell there are hundreds of places to enjoy. You can hang around and smoke Halfling Leaf with the Hobbits and then enjoy an early elevensies. You could even head over to Mordor – the neighbor no one likes because they don’t cut their grass and have a bunch of burnt out vehicles on the lawn – and test your bravery by playing a little game of doorbell ditcher. Sure, you’ll likely get called to arms for an epic adventure at some point, but that just means life will never be dull.

Is there an interplanetary destination you think we’ve forgotten? Let us know!


About surlygurls

We’re two SurlyGurls brought together by a love of all things awesome and an equal hate of all things which are an affront to awesomeness everywhere.

Posted on October 4, 2011, in LISTS, MOVIES & FILMS, OPINION, TELEVISION and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Fantasia would be the best other-wordly vacation ever. Fhloston, Paradise wouldn’t be so bad either.

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