How Black Christmas Has Taken Over Andrea’s Holiday Season
As an adult I am not a huge fan of Christmas.
Don’t get me wrong; on paper it is the best. It’s full of love, kindness, the reunion of family and friends. The birth of little baby Jesus, a jolly fat man throwing gifts down the chimney…essentially, it is the time of year that embodies all that is good and awesome.
Sadly, the reality is very far removed from that image.
Almost all of us must suffer through the same horrifying personal Hell of awkward family gatherings with the only escape being into a turkey coma.
Why torment yourself with movies that only draw further attention to how you don’t live in some sort of Norman Rockwell painting? Why not celebrate this festive season with a collection of movies that take that beautiful yuletide scene and then tarnish it with the blood of a monstrous killing spree?
Admittedly, there is a horror movie genre to correspond with just about every holiday; even Friday the 13th has a successful scary movie franchise. But believe me when I tell you the Christmas sub-genre is where holiday horror movies really shine! These wildly campy and creative movies brilliantly utilize all the traditional elements of the season in wonderfully dark and twisted ways.
So, this year grab a glass of rum-filled eggnog and enjoy some of these classic Santa Slasher flicks.
One of my personal favourites is ‘Christmas Evil’. Also known as ‘You’d Better Watch Out’ this one starts on Christmas Eve with poor little Harry sneaking downstairs where he sees Mommy kissing Santa Claus… except they’re not just kissing. Jolly old St. Nick is really stuffing Mommy’s stockings, if you know what I mean…So, Harry does what any Christmas-loving momma’s boy would do; he runs up to the attic and tries to slash his wrists with a shattered snow globe!
Flash forward thirty-three years and Harry is a screwed-up adult who works for a toy factory and has delusions of becoming the true incarnation of Santa Claus. He sleeps in the outfit; he watches all the neighbourhood kids and keeps a list of who’s naughty and nice.
Now, how this guy ever got to this level of crazy is beyond me, but when that is the starting point before the nervous breakdown – it’s going to be a hell of a show! And this movie doesn’t disappoint! It’s a “so bad it’s good” wonderland right up to the final scene, which is like the shining star atop the tree. That finishing touch so perfect ‘Christmas Evil’ is often accepted as the best of all the Christmas horror films.
Another classic is ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’. Again, starting with some yuletide trauma, this movie follows little Billy into crazy town. Things start to go wrong for Billy when the family goes to visit his grandfather in a mental institution. Billy is left alone with grandpa for only a few minutes, but it’s more than enough. He scares the shit out of Billy by telling him about how Santa Claus punishes all the naughty children. As coincidence would have it, a bad man in a Santa suit is robbing convenience stores and killing people just a few blocks away… you know where this is going…
Yup, bad Santa and Billy’s family cross paths and the family doesn’t make out so well, Dad gets shot, Mom is almost raped, but proves to be too much trouble and just gets her throat slashed, if that’s not holiday fun, I don’t know what is!
So, Billy and his baby brother end up in a strict Catholic Orphanage where Mother Superior insists on forcing Christmas and Santa Claus onto the poor traumatized kid! Good work, lady! You created a murderous sociopath.
Another surprise, Billy grows up and gets a job at a Toy Store. Everything is going well; all things considered, that is until Christmas Eve! His employer asks him to play Santa Claus and then everything goes south! Billy snaps, thinks he is the real Santa Claus and responsible for punishing all those badly behaved individuals. The rest of the movie is Billy running around shouting “Naughty!” at everyone he sees and then killing him or her.
A simple Google search will tell you that there is a sequel, a ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night 2’. I cannot stress enough how important it is to NOT watch this one! It is the entire first movie retold by the younger brother with knowledge he could not possibly know! It’s boring, lame and you will have to sit through the whole movie for the last 20-minutes of new material. It’s just not worth it.
After that gem, you may want something to lighten things up a bit; I would pop in ‘Santa’s Slay’ from 2005. This is a relatively new edition to the Christmas horror movie genre but stars former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus!! According to the rich mythology of this flick, Santa Claus is some sort of Anti-Christ who is the product of a virgin birth between some lady and Satan. With Christmas originally being “The Day of Slaying” until the year of 1005 AD, when an angel challenged Santa to a curling match. Yes, a curling match! The angel defeats Santa and sentences him to deliver gifts on Christmas for the next 1,000 years. You may remember that this movie was released in 2005, which means Santa is free to start killing again.
Evidently, he spent those 1,000 years thinking of highly imaginative, holiday-themed ways in which to kill people.
Finally, no Christmas horror movie marathon would be complete without a viewing of the 1974 classic ‘Black Christmas’. Arguably, the definitive holiday-themed slasher movie, it centres on a sorority house that is being terrorized by ominous and menacing phone calls. Once the bodies of the college girls start piling up it’s clear it isn’t just some dumb frat boys on the other end of the obscene phone calls. This movie has stood the test of time and is still creepy and hits all the right marks. A must see!
Other fun Christmas horror films worthy of a viewing include ‘Gingerdead Man’, ‘Gremlins’ and ‘Jack Frost’, but not the family friendly CGI nightmare with Michael Keaton. The one where Shannon Elizabeth is raped to death by a killer snowman and his carrot nose!!
So, consider starting a new, twisted Holiday tradition this year… and have yourself a Scary Little Christmas!
Posted on December 22, 2011, in ANNUAL EVENTS, AWESOME, ENTERTAINMENT, HOLIDAYS, MOVIES & FILMS, OPINION and tagged B-Movies, Bill Goldberg, Black Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Evil, FUNNY, Horror Movies, humor, Santa, Santa Claus, Santa's Slay, Scary, Silent Night Deadly Night, Slasher. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.