Another week, another batch of unnecessary sequels and old re-releases.
This week reunites movie audiences with the ol’ ‘American Pie’ gang. They’re all back and for the most they are all just happy to be working again. It’s been a little over 10 years since we all first met them – so a big fail to whoever planned the 10 year reunion three years too late! But, is this really a reunion worth attending? We doubt it. Like most actual high school reunions, which are fun in theory they are lame and boring in practice.
Speaking of reunions! Everyone’s favourite doomed lovers are back too! Now you can watch Jack and Rose party down in steerage, do the nasty in the backseat of a Renault and fail to figure out how to get TWO people on that goddamn door – in 3-D!!
Thankfully, James Cameron didn’t go crazy and pull a “Lucas” with the re-release of ‘Titanic’, but he did make one change at the request of beloved and awesome astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. So this time when you see ‘Titanic’ you’ll notice that the stars are in the EXACT position they were on the night of April 14th 1912! Apparently, Tyson just couldn’t fully enjoy watching people freeze to death in the Atlantic with all those wildly distracting inaccuracies in night sky.
But, despite all that extra work, I will be too busy looking at Billy Zane and wondering what the hell he did with his career to notice some new shiny stars!
“Save the best piece for last.”
Directing: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Writing: Adam Herz (characters), Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg (screenplay)
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein
Price of Admission will get you: the class of ’99 together again and ready to thrust their junk into the same old franchise formula. Besides, everyone knows that only losers go to their high school reunions – and this movie proves that point perfectly!
Running Time · 113 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · R
“Nothing On Earth Could Come Between Them.”
Directing: James Cameron
Writing: James Cameron
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates
Price of Admission will get you: the same movie you got back in 1997. Unfortunately even with all the fancy new 3D effects – they still don’t see that iceberg until it is too late.
Running Time · 194 min
Genre · Adventure / Drama / History / Romance
Rating · PG-13
Oh boy! We’re celebrating the magic and wonder of 11-11-11 with some fancy new embedded videos! You’re welcome!
Now from THIS page you can get a little taste of the glorious carnage of ‘Immortals’, the much-discussed DiCaprio performance in ‘J. Edgar’ or the slew of boring, one-dimensional jokes in ‘Jack and Jill’ courtesy of the Adam Sandler crap machine.
Also, let’s give some kudos to Geoff Pierson, who is in TWO of the big releases this week! Granted, one of them is ‘Jack and Jill’…
“The Gods Need a Hero.”
Directing: Tarsem Singh
Writing: Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides
Starring: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, John Hurt, Freida Pinto
Crazed, power-hungry King Hyperion declares war on humanity and scours Greece for a legendary bow with the power to destroy both Heaven and Earth.
Unfortunately there is a pesky old law restricting any intervention from the Gods. Even though it’s THEIR bow…and probably THEIR law … But, don’t worry; there is some hot peasant to rise up and save us all.
Price of Admission will get you some incredibly striking visuals, staggering battles and carnage but very little else.
Running Time · 110 min
Genre · Action / Drama / Fantasy
Rated · R