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New in Theatres · April 20, 2012

Happy 420 Everyone!

Many people will be spending the weekend sparking up or heading out into their communities to pick up trash for Earth Day. But, if somewhere between the mary jane and the garbage collecting you’d like to see a movie or two…here are your new choices.

THE LUCKY ONE

Directing: Scott Hicks
Writing: Will Fetters (screenplay), Nicholas Sparks (novel)
Starring: Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, Blythe Danner, Riley Thomas Stewart

Price of Admission will get you: Zac Efron doing his best in a movie that looks like it was tailor-made for Channing Tatum (He’s so hot right now).

Running Time · 101 min
Genre · Drama
Rating · PG-13

THINK LIKE A MAN
Let the mind games begin.

Directing: Tim Story
Writing: Steve Harvey (book), Keith Merryman, David A. Newman (screenplay),
Starring: Chris Brown, Gabrielle Union, Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy

Price of Admission will get you: so-called “comedy” about how all men are selfish jerks and all women are scheming bitches. Sounds like a great date movie!

Running Time · 123 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · PG-13

CHIMPANZEE

Directing: Alastair Fothergill | Mark Linfield
Starring: Tim Allen

Price of Admission will get you: a cute documentary with cheesy narration by the Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor and some bold anthropomorphization of the title subjects.

Running Time · 78 min
Genre · Documentary
Rating · G

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New in Theatres · April 13, 2012

Big excitement this weekend in the SurlyGurls camp as ‘Cabin in the Woods‘ finally is released! We’ve been waiting for a damn long time for this movie and are pretty excited. Reviews and audience reactions are good and maybe this clever little twisted horror flick could take down Katniss and company.

At the total other end of the spectrum is 2012 update of  ‘The Three Stooges‘. Why anyone would think that today’s movie audiences would pay $15 bucks to sit through an hour and a half of grown men poking each other in the eye is beyond us. This thing is going to tank; like we’re talking a ‘Bucky Larson‘ level bomb!!

Your best bet: Hands down, is ‘Cabin in the Woods’.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
If an old man warns you not to go there… make fun of him.

Directing: Drew Goddard
Writing: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard
Starring: Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly

Price of Admission will get youa brilliant balance of horror and humour, as well as an incredible overload of pop culture and general geekery! (we ♥ you Joss Whedon!)

Running Time · 95 min  
Genre · Horror / Thriller
Rating · R

THE THREE STOOGES
Just Say Moe.

Directing: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
Writing: Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
Starring: Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos, Will Sasso, Jane Lynch                     

Price of Admission will get you: Essentially nothing. In fact, you will be less of a human being for having paid money to see this. Stay Away!!

Running Time · 92 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · PG 

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New in Theatres · April 06, 2012

Another week, another batch of unnecessary sequels and old re-releases.

This week reunites movie audiences with the ol’ ‘American Pie’ gang. They’re all back and for the most they are all  just happy to be working again. It’s been a little over 10 years since we all first met them – so a big fail to whoever planned the 10 year reunion three years too late! But, is this really a reunion worth attending? We doubt it. Like most actual high school reunions, which are fun in theory they are lame and boring in practice.

Speaking of reunions! Everyone’s favourite doomed lovers are back too! Now you can watch Jack and Rose party down in steerage, do the nasty in the backseat of a Renault and fail to figure out how to get TWO people on that goddamn door – in 3-D!!
Thankfully, James Cameron didn’t go crazy and pull a “Lucas” with the re-release of ‘Titanic’, but he did make one change at the request of beloved and awesome astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. So this time when you see ‘Titanic’ you’ll notice that the stars are in the EXACT position they were on the night of April 14th 1912! Apparently, Tyson just couldn’t fully enjoy watching people freeze to death in the Atlantic with all those wildly distracting inaccuracies in night sky.
But, despite all that extra work, I will be too busy looking at Billy Zane and wondering what the hell he did with his career to notice some new shiny stars!

AMERICAN REUNION
Save the best piece for last.

Directing: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Writing: Adam Herz (characters), Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg (screenplay)
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein

Price of Admission will get you: the class of ’99 together again and ready to thrust their junk into the same old franchise formula. Besides, everyone knows that only losers go to their high school reunions – and this movie proves that point perfectly!

Running Time · 113 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · R

TITANIC (3D)
Nothing On Earth Could Come Between Them.

Directing: James Cameron
Writing: James Cameron
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates        

Price of Admission will get you: the same movie you got back in 1997. Unfortunately even with all the fancy new 3D effects – they still don’t see that iceberg until it is too late.

Running Time · 194 min
Genre · Adventure / Drama / History / Romance
Rating · PG-13

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New in Theatres · March 30, 2012

Mediocrity is the theme with this week’s new releases. Moviegoers will be treated to ‘Wrath of the Titans‘. The follow-up to 2010’s sort of successful ‘Clash of the Titans‘, which was widely criticized for its poor CGI, out-right awful 3D effects and not remaining faithful enough to the 1981 original movie. Not to mention Sam Worthington is a piss-poor Perseus!

If Swords and Sandals isn’t your thing, there is always “Mirror Mirror“, a comedic take on the Snow White fairy tale. With Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen and almost no one else of any importance in the movie, things just don’t look promising. Also, the actual visuals in this movie are ugly. The costumes are hideous, the set pieces are unattractive. It just looks like a mess! In fact, the only good looking thing in the movie is Armie Hammer!

Your best best this week is to go see ‘The Hunger Games‘ again!

WRATH OF THE TITANS
Feel the Wrath.

Directing: Jonathan Liebesman
Writing: Dan Mazeau, David Johnson (screenplay, story), Greg Berlanti, (story), Beverley Cross (1981 screenplay)
Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Rosamund Pike, Ralph Fiennes

Price of Admission will get you: better 3D, better special effects, and a better hair-do for Perseus… and that is all.

Running Time · 99 min
Genre · Action / Adventure / Fantasy
Rating · PG-13

MIRROR MIRROR
One Bad Apple.

Directing: Tarsem Singh
Writing: Jacob Grimm, Wilhelm Grimm (original story), Melissa Wallack, Jason Keller (screenplay)
Starring: Lily Collins, Julia Roberts, Armie Hammer, Nathan Lane

Price of Admission will get you: a $15 version of ABC’sOnce Upon A Time’, this time with Julia Roberts as the Evil Queen and a lot of really ugly costumes. Basically you’ll be more than happy to chow down on that poison apple by the end!

Running Time · 106 min
Genre · Adventure / Comedy / Drama / Fantasy
Rating · PG

GOON
Meet Doug, The Nicest Guy You’ll Ever Fight.

Directing: Michael Dowse
Writing: Jay Baruchel, Evan Goldberg (screenplay), Adam Frattasio, Doug Smith (novel)
Starring: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel and Alison Pill 

Price of Admission will get you: a good ol’ fashioned Canadian hockey movie full of enough blood and violence to satisfy any moviegoer! Fuckin’ right, eh!?

Running Time · 92 min
Genre · Comedy / Sport
Rating · R

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New in Theatres · March 23, 2012

Let the Hunger Games begin!

There is only one major movie release this weekend, and it’s a big one. ‘The Hunger Games’. The cinematic adaptation of the ridiculously popular and beloved teen fiction series is finally here!

And with ticketing sites like Fandango reporting that ‘The Hunger Games’ has already sold more advance tickets than any other non-sequel; this series looks poised to pick up the “epic novel to epic movie franchise” torch that ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘Twilight’ are relinquishing.

But, unlike the aforementioned ‘Twilight’, ‘The Hunger Games’ is receiving solid reviews and is currently listed at 87% Fresh on RottenTomatoes.com. Experts are also estimating this movie is going to be pulling in well over $100M at the Box Office this weekend. So, if you’re planning on taking a leisurely stroll down to the local movieplex to watch Katniss and her inner monologue kick some ass; you may want to rethink your strategy – because you’re really going to need a better game plan than that!

If you’re not feeling the whole “watching kids hunt each other down and fight to the death” thing, there’s always ’21 Jump Street’… That Tatum Channing, he’s so hot right now!

THE HUNGER GAMES
The Games Will Change Everyone.

Directing: Gary Ross
Writing: Gary Ross, Billy Ray (screenplay), Suzanne Collins (novel, screenplay)
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Stanley Tucci

Price of Admission will get you: love triangles, brutal violence, a bleak dystopian future and attractive teenagers forced to slaughter each other for  entertainment. It’s everything a moviegoer could ask for!

Running Time · 142 min
Genre · Action / Drama / Sci-Fi / Thriller
Rating · PG-13

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New in Theatres · March 09, 2012

This weekend John Carter will take on the mighty Lorax! We don’t think he will defeat the grouchy little guy either. Though, John Carter of Earth will certainly destroy Eddie Murphy’s latest laugh-free “comedy” ‘A Thousand Words‘.

There are also a couple romantic comedies out there as well. And lucky for all of us, both ‘Friends with Kids’ and ‘Salmon Fishing in the Yemen’ have just delightful casts!
So, have fun at the theatres this week!

JOHN CARTER
Lost in Our World. Found in Another.

Directing: Andrew Stanton
Writing: Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon (screenplay), Edgar Rice Burroughs (story “A Princess of Mars”)
Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Samantha Morton

Price of Admission will get you: a movie adaptation of the sci-fi classic that looks like a mashup of all the worst parts from ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Avatar’.

Running Time · 132 min
Genre · Action / Adventure / Fantasy / Sci-Fi
Rating · PG-13

SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN

Directing: Lasse Hallström
Writing: Simon Beaufoy (screenplay), Paul Torday (novel)
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt, Amr Waked, Kristin Scott Thomas

Price of Admission will get you: a cute little romantic comedy with a charming couple and a truly terrible title.

Running Time · 111 min
Genre · Comedy / Drama / Romance
Rating · PG-13

FRIENDS WITH KIDS
Love. Happiness. Kids. Pick two.

Directing: Jennifer Westfeldt
Writing: Jennifer Westfeldt
Starring: Jennifer Westfeldt, Adam Scott, Maya Rudolph, Kristen Wiig, John Hamm, Chris O’Dowd

Price of Admission will get you: a smart, fresh and contemporary romantic comedy with many of the key players from the phenomenally successful ‘Bridesmaids’.

Running Time · 107 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · R

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New in Theatres · March 02, 2012

Two new major releases this weekend and WOW! are they on either end of the spectrum! In the one corner, we’ve got a family-friendly Dr. Suess classic. In the other corner we have a hybrid of two very popular genres – the R-rated teen disaster party and the found-footage shaky cam.

Both, in theory, should be a hit with their target audiences. But, the cinematic translations of many of Dr. Suess’ works have missed the mark lately. Remember ‘The Cat in The Hat‘!? Also, the raunchy shaky cam teen comedy ‘The Virginity Hit‘ also bombed after it failed to connect with moviegoers.
I guess we’ll see how this all turns out on Monday.

DR. SEUSS’ THE LORAX

Directing: Chris Renaud, Kyle Balda
Writing: Ken Daurio, Cinco Paul (screenplay), Dr. Seuss (book)
Starring: Zac Efron, Taylor Swift, Danny DeVito, Ed Helms

Price of Admission will get you: a bright and colourful animated look at the Dr. Suess classic. Complete with all the corporate product placement any cautionary children’s tale about the damaging effects of industrialized society could want.

Running Time · 86 min
Genre · Animation / Family / Fantasy
Rating · PG

PROJECT X
“The Party You’ve Only Dreamed About

Directing: Nima Nourizadeh
Writing: Matt Drake (screenplay), Michael Bacall (screenplay, story)
Starring: Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper, Jonathan Daniel Brown, Dax Flame

Price of Admission will get you: an insanely over-the-top teen party-disaster movie in the found footage style that proves to be a nothing but a cinematic testament to why society hates teenagers. We wish it were a re-release of the 1987 Matthew Broderick classic instead.

Running Time · 88 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · R

(read the rest of this entry to find out what is out in limited release this weekend…)

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