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New in Theatres · April 06, 2012

Another week, another batch of unnecessary sequels and old re-releases.

This week reunites movie audiences with the ol’ ‘American Pie’ gang. They’re all back and for the most they are all  just happy to be working again. It’s been a little over 10 years since we all first met them – so a big fail to whoever planned the 10 year reunion three years too late! But, is this really a reunion worth attending? We doubt it. Like most actual high school reunions, which are fun in theory they are lame and boring in practice.

Speaking of reunions! Everyone’s favourite doomed lovers are back too! Now you can watch Jack and Rose party down in steerage, do the nasty in the backseat of a Renault and fail to figure out how to get TWO people on that goddamn door – in 3-D!!
Thankfully, James Cameron didn’t go crazy and pull a “Lucas” with the re-release of ‘Titanic’, but he did make one change at the request of beloved and awesome astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. So this time when you see ‘Titanic’ you’ll notice that the stars are in the EXACT position they were on the night of April 14th 1912! Apparently, Tyson just couldn’t fully enjoy watching people freeze to death in the Atlantic with all those wildly distracting inaccuracies in night sky.
But, despite all that extra work, I will be too busy looking at Billy Zane and wondering what the hell he did with his career to notice some new shiny stars!

AMERICAN REUNION
Save the best piece for last.

Directing: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Writing: Adam Herz (characters), Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg (screenplay)
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Chris Klein

Price of Admission will get you: the class of ’99 together again and ready to thrust their junk into the same old franchise formula. Besides, everyone knows that only losers go to their high school reunions – and this movie proves that point perfectly!

Running Time · 113 min
Genre · Comedy
Rating · R

TITANIC (3D)
Nothing On Earth Could Come Between Them.

Directing: James Cameron
Writing: James Cameron
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates        

Price of Admission will get you: the same movie you got back in 1997. Unfortunately even with all the fancy new 3D effects – they still don’t see that iceberg until it is too late.

Running Time · 194 min
Genre · Adventure / Drama / History / Romance
Rating · PG-13

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New in Theatres · December 09, 2011

If you are one of those people who are already finished all their holiday shopping and looking for something to else to do this weekend, first let us both curse and congratulate you, but then let us direct your attention to the new offering at the movie theatres this week.

Josh Duhamel is the Belle of the Ball

It’s a bit of a mixed bag this week, with the celebrity-saturated ‘New Year’s Eve’, the vulgar Adventures in Babysitting-esqueThe Sitter’ and the complex spy thriller ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’. Now, we need to head over to the mall to start some shopping!

NEW YEAR’S EVE
“One Night Anything Is Possible.”

Directing: Garry Marshall
Writing: Katherine Fugate
Starring: Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Hector Elizondo, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Lea Michelle, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Til Schweiger, Hilary Swank, Sophia Vergara

Following the exploits and adventures of several couples as they run around New York City on New Year’s Eve. (and Hilary Swank almost destroys the entire holiday… because she sucks!)

Price of Admission will get you: A holiday-centric movie about a shit-ton of people doing only somewhat funny/entertaining stuff on the title-specified holiday. (that Hilary Swank almost destroys because she sucks!)

Running Time · 118 min
Genre · Comedy / Romance
Rated · PG-13

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Breaking Yawn: SurlyGurls Review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

Finally! The big day is here; the wedding of Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)! The fourth movie in the Twilight “Saga” begins with the invitations to this unholy union going out to all the friends and family. Believe us when we tell you that the excitement doesn’t stop with the intricate workings of the postal service.

As with the other ‘Twilight‘ movies, the main conflict in this supernatural soap opera is the love triangle between Bella and Edward and Jacob (Taylor Lautner). So, you don’t need to posses Alice’s clairvoyance to see that Jacob is going to be none to pleased when he gets that invite. We weren’t overly surprised with his immature and melodramatic reaction either, which resulted in him fleeing from that single piece of paper like it was a t-shirt threatening to veil his rippling abs.

Speaking of, Jacob’s hasty retreat does present the opportunity for him to rip his shirt off in a record-breaking three seconds after appearing on-screen!

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New in Theatres · November 18, 2011

Get ready to make a heart shape with your hands and watch 117 minutes of undead anguish and pseudo-romance through it! Because today is the day you’ve all been waiting for – the wedding of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen!
… Some dancing penguins make an appearance at the theatres this weekend.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1
“Forever is only the beginning.”

Directing: Bill Condon
Writing: Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay), Stephenie Meyer (novel)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

Finally Edward and Bella are going to tie the knot and get it on! Sadly, it just results in some awkward sex, unplanned pregnancy and gang wars. Price of Admission will get you the kind of angst and overly emotional desolation only a supernatural love triangle can offer.

Running Time · 117 min
Genre · Adventure / Drama / Fantasy / Romance
Rated · PG-13

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